image credit: http://w.mairie-gieres.fr/

That’s all folks! We’ve had a good run, but now it’s time to say goodbye to City After Dark.

Yep, that’s right. Au revoir and bon voyage to our blog posts.

Yoyo is prolonging her work visa in Japan. Indefinitely. Scored herself a sweet position with a major PR firm up in Tokyo, Japan. Miss you heaps already!

Largo has disappeared off the map, I think he moved to the Yukon in Canada to find himself or something. I don’t know, he seemed uncharacteristically distracted last I saw him. Perhaps he Got Religion, I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

His insightful ‘Picking Up Girls’ posts will surely be missed.

It’s funny when you look back on all the posts we managed to put together. It was nothing at all like we planned it to be. We originally planned to write about all the amazing events that happened every weekend. You know, like a journalist or reporter. But oddly enough we never ended up writing about any parties.

Something else got in the way. I dunno. I love nightlife, it fascinates me to no end, but there’s something about writing down an experience that just gets in the way, you know?

It’s like taking a photograph.

By raising a camera you place an obstacle between you and the moment. You and that experience… it changes the dynamic.

It’s just not the same.

Perhaps that’s why so many of the posts were relationship related. Or advice related. Or simply a reflection of what we got up to. It was always less to with an event than it was about how we perceived things. I guess event journalists have got it tough, eh?

See, I’d much rather experience and be a part of the moment. I’d much rather be engaging people than simply record what has occured. I guess that’s the difference between someone who does, and someone who just observes.

There are, of course, certain things I won’t miss -

• City After Dark streamed straight to my Facebook account. Fair enough, I’m okay with that. EXCEPT Facebook omits the fact that Yoyo and Largo wrote on this as well! It confused the hell out of people. So no longer should I put up with messages on Facebook asking me, “Jak, why does your blog make you sound like a chick?” (Yoyo) and hopefully no more, “You’re an asshole Jak, how could you do that to the poor girl?!” (Largo)
• Writing a post on my lunch break. 20 minutes out of precious lunch break is just time you don’t get back when you work full time hours!
• The many people whom I have never met before until then coming up to me and letting me know EXACTLY what their thoughts are about the picking up girls/relationships/fashion/promoting posts. Sometimes viciously, at that

But most of all I’m gonna miss simply writing with the team. We had some amazing times together, but we knew it couldn’t last forever.

Really, when you think about it, isn’t that the beauty of The End?

As the last Melbourne local, I guess I’ll see y’all around.

Take care, with all of my love.

- Jak

Tuesday, 8th June 2010

image credit: http://www.timeinc.net/

There’s been a lot of downtime, here at City After Dark.

Yoyo’s overseas right now spreading her love of shoes and brands in Okinawa and Largo, well, I think he met a female version of himself and has his hands full. Literally. And I’m not exaggerating here, she’s as freaky and kinky as he is. That can take some getting used to, I have to admit.

Me, I’m juggling jobs right now.

Everyone’s been busy, and this sort of took a back seat. It’s a blog, after all. Nobody follows these things seriously except techies, those with too much spare time, and people without jobs.

But I got fifteen minutes to spare this evening, so I’ll write about writing for a bit.

—

I’ve wanted to illustrate this for quite some time now, and I’ve alluded to the issue of humour in past posts before. The reason I’ve put it off is this -

Being funny – in writing – is fscking hard.

Any good writer will tell you to avoid trying to be funny in persuasive text. No matter how funny you are – or think you are – a joke will impair the reading experience simply because some people won’t get it.

These rules also apply to blogging.

If your sense of humour connects with the bulk of your audience, then you’re already off to a good start.

Fantastic.

But even then you’ll still lose attention from a lot of people simply because others perceive “funny” differently to you, and also because a shocking percentage of the population have no sense of humour whatsoever. This is a natural function of society, so don’t be caught out thinking the problem is you. It’s not.

Here’s the point I’m trying to make.

If YOU don’t get the joke, it’s no one’s fault but MINE. The onus is on the presenter (writer, in this case) to understand what the audience would react to. It’s a function of social intelligence to recognise this. Because this blog’s readership is rather broad (friends, Melbourne locals, international students, visitors, tourists and readers from 19 different countries according to Google), I have to hold back on the jokes.

See, I have a broad and often incongruent sense of humour, which is why I have the good sense to leave it at the door when I write. You wouldn’t get me, otherwise. There are plenty of blogs that talk about themselves and couldn’t care less about the readership.

So they accumulate readers who perceive the world and value the same ideas as they do.

Because we’re actually interested in you, we try to consider what you may actually be interested in. What you might find amusing. It’s a little out there, but we make it as relatable to you as possible. It’s a completely different experience from what you normally read on blogs with, say, “Ooh, I’m like so angry right now fscking gossiping bitches!!! Like today I was eating bruschetta (so yummy!) at Mario’s when The Boyfriend calls to say that we COULDN’T go shopping…”

You know how the formula goes. And when it comes right down to it, who cares?

So relax. We understand you. Rest assured that someone out there actually does.

Today’s guest writer is an advertising colleague of mine and an avid reader of the blog. Why he requested anonymity is beyond me since his post is so thoughtful and insightful… I’ll just call him Donghae. Anyway, his topic is THE OPPOSITE OF SARCASM

image credit: http://www.jacksonvillemag.com/

Sarcasm is when you say something nice but you really mean something not so nice.

“She probably has a GREAT personality…”
“No no, it was delicious! That was the most adventurous meal I have ever had…”

I’d like to share with you an idea which is the exact opposite of that.

The Opposite of Sarcasm, if such a word did exist, is when you say something seemingly not nice but you mean nothing but love.

Your girlfriend tells you she can’t dance so you say, “I hate that about you! I guess we can’t hang out anymore…”

But you say it with a big grin on your face, and you give her a big hug as you do so. Then you take her hand and you give her a little spin. Because it’s not a verbal word play thing, it’s a human interaction thing.

Or maybe she’s embarrassed about her laugh, which makes her blush and you start laughing. This makes her blush even more. But the reason you’re laughing is because she’s just so darn cute about it.

Your words and actions may be in contrast to each other, but people will always trust your actions more than your words.

And it’s not just a guy girl thing, might I add.

Maybe a member of your staff asks you for some feedback on their work and they ask you if it’s any good. And you look at it and you say, ‘No, good isn’t the right word…’ Then they look crestfallen.

Then you say with a smile and a big thumbs up, because you meant it all along, ‘It’s fantastic. Well done.’

And they leave the office at the end of the day feeling proud of themselves, and they are motivated to do even better.

That’s why all the learning social skills stuff on this blog is so fascinating – you can’t interact with people simply over the keyboard. And you can’t learn it from a book. And you can’t analyse it endlessly by being distant from it. You need to experience and understand the expressions of other people. That’s why you go out and meet new people and you take that chance.

Just so you can understand what we really mean to each other.

Largo’s up next, and his topic is MUTUAL EXPERIENCE.

image credit: http://www.beauceronguide.com/

Two guys at the bar, talking about the usual sophisticated topics for gentlemen.

“Are you a tits or arse man, Largs?”
“You’re asking me what I find attractive in a woman, right?”
“Sure, okay, let’s put it that way.”
“I can’t really explain it. Forget it. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”

I was drunk enough to actually try.

“Well, I like the girl who has that playful way of smiling… As if she has a joke you’d really like to hear and if you’re really lucky, she just might tell you… A girl with a walk so poised she may as well have been on a tightrope… A girl who speaks with such eloquence that you follow everything she has to say… With a way of making you feel like nothing else mattered in the world than what you were doing right there and then with her…”

He stares at me blankly. Then he said something so incredibly irrelevant, it demonstrated exactly why so many people these days are socially inept.
“You’re not one of those ‘good personality’ freaks, are you?”
I rolled my eyes.

—

You understand other people by experiencing what they have been through, or you empathise by imagining yourself being in their position. When someone doesn’t get you, they either lack experience or imagination.

Yet some experiences are so unique, you can only discuss them freely with a select few. My mate in the above example is NOT one of these people. Living in his black and white ‘looks or personality’ bubble of his, he couldn’t imagine a woman’s individuality as being sexy.

And you can’t blame it on ‘just being a guy’. Women do this too. I know this perfect 10 (turns every head whenever she walks into a room) and she has NO idea what it feels like to let a guy know she really likes him. No idea. Because she’s always had a long list of suitors and admirers, she never had to.

And there in lies the rub. She doesn’t feel that anxiety of asking someone out because she never took the chance. And if you’re not taking the chance, what the hell are you doing with yourself?

Do you see why social skills are so important to learn? For guys, if you don’t learn how to ask a girl out, you are at the mercy of the girls who ask YOU out.

And trust me on this, these aren’t always the girls you want.

But if you’ve never asked a girl out you wouldn’t know now, would you…?

Yoyo’s up next, and her topic is FRIENDSHIP.

image credit: http://blogs.smh.com.au/

Friends.

I’ve got almost a thousand of them. I know, because my Facebook profile says so. And if you’re like me, you probably only really talk to no more than a dozen of them regularly…

See, such an important relationship has been overused and made ambiguous in modern Internet society. So much so we have no idea what it means to be a true friend, or who our real friends are anymore.

My friends are the people who bring out the best in me. That’s how I can tell who’s who.

I can count on one hand how many people fit this description. Everyone else are just people I know or people who know me.

And cliques are overrated. I’ve been in a few and trust me when I say that they are high maintenance. Some of them exist simply because they are exclusive. And keeping up appearances to fit in is not fun at all.

Us. And Them. If you’re not one of Us, you’re one of Them.

And walking out of a clique is hard, by the way. But not as hard as actually meeting new people and making friends in the first place…

Funny story.

I met Jak and Largo randomly beneath the clock at Melbourne Central a few years back. They were seated next to me while we were waiting for some people to show up, and next thing I know we’re pleasnatly chatting away. Normally I’d make my excuses and run if anybody else did that but for some reason it was really, well, comfortable. As if we wer old friends and had known each other for years. True, Jak has that harmless idiot vibe about him and Largo is, y’know, Largo…

And I found myself giving Jak my number. I remember he looked really surprised at this. But not as half surprised as I was. What the hell was I thinking?

Strangely enough, we’re still friends to this day. We share next to nothing in common with each other and our perpendicular views and opinions mean we fight a lot… Yet we’re still friends.

So why did I give him my number?

Simply, I wanted to continue our conversation.

I’m going first, and my topic is TRUST.

image credit: http://weblogs.cltv.com/

People have to trust you. Trust is very important. And you have to earn people’s trust sincerely because we live in a trust economy and if you don’t have trust, what do you have?

This is a little difficult for me because so many people perceive me as, well… an idiot. And it’s hard to take idiots seriously, let alone trust them. So I’ve got my work cut out here.

But first, let me explain how I came to be in this situation.

You know that voice in the back of your head that stops you from doing something that’ll make you look stupid? You know, the voice that controls your outlier behaviour in social situations? The voice you can only drown out with copious amounts of alcohol?

‘You’ll look like an idiot!’
‘You’ll only embarrass yourself!’
‘What will they think of you?’
‘You’re making a fool of yourself!’

Well, I don’t really have that voice. I told that voice to shut up years ago, and haven’t heard from it again ever since.

It’s great (I prefer it like this) because you open up lots of opportunities for yourself.

But the problem with not being afraid to look like a fool is that irregardless of how you feel people still look at you like a fool.

Normally this isn’t a bad thing since the expectation from you is so low you can get away with a lot more. Plus, it’s more fun when they get to know you better and realise that you aren’t an idiot and you can laugh about it together.

The clinch occurs when people perceive you as an idiot in a business context. That’s where it falters. Nobody wants to partner with an idiot. Nobody wants to hire an unprofessional freelancer. Nobody wants an idiot to be responsible for their properties. Nobody wants to solicit business with someone who doesn’t take himself seriously.

I do by the way. Take myself seriously, that is. Very much so.

It’s just that perceptions are hard to change, especially if that first impression is that of a whimsical social vagabond.

Perhaps fitting in is a good idea at times, too…

image credit: http://gallery.thatvideogameblog.com/

I don’t know why everybody assumes I cheat and expect it as the norm. I don’t, by the way. Well I don’t set out to intentionally is what I’m trying to say here… Because once all of us got together and started talking about cheating on partners and stuff, it was amazing how varied our opinions were of each other.

Yoyo’s history with douche bags still gets her upset about the whole ‘open relationship’ idea. And Jak has these iron-clad rules that seem to keep him out of trouble.

So when I put together a page-long list of arguments to smugly throw into their faces, I couldn’t bring myself to write about it.

I can’t justify cheating. I thought I could, but I can’t. Normally I don’t indulge (Ed: over-indulge…) in writing about my life through this blog, but I feel that this is something I have to clear up. I may be a skirt chaser, but at least some of the time I think with my head instead of my wang. I’ll give you an example from the end of last week.

Grabbing a bite after work at the QV food court I see a young couple I am mutually acquainted with and decide to walk over to say hello. But I stop when I see them just eating silently, not even engaging in conversation. Not even meeting each other’s eye.

Ah. I see. I know this situation. Best not to get involved. I’ll just quietly grab a burger and be on my merry way…

Much later I see the wife sitting at the tram stop. By herself. It looked as if she’d been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy, but she smiled at me in surprised recognition as I tried to slip by. After I politely reintroduce myself, I asked her how she was settling in to married life in Melbourne.

She looked embarrassed, and I asked her what’s wrong. After some deliberating, I find out that she was having second thoughts about the move to Melbourne to live with her husband. It was difficult for her to admit it, but her face said it all.

Those normally bright but now sad eyes… Luscious lips… Long legs and curves in all the right places… Is it masochist to be attracted to someone as you’re comforting them…? Maybe in another post…

Anyway, I find out she missed her family and her friends in Kowloon dearly and she was feeling very homesick. And it was difficult for her to meet new people and make friends because she was shy and her husband already had such a tight, close-knit social group (to which I was not a part of).

She remarked that it was nice to have someone to talk to, and how surprisingly easy it was for her to talk to me. She blushed, smiled and then suggested that perhaps we should have a coffee sometime. And then I saw That Unmistakable Look in her eyes and all the other familiar signs that could only mean one thing… So I smiled back. Then I turned and ran.

And I never looked back.

Hell, what would you have done in my position? Do you think that skirt chasing is all fun and games? This is not the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last! I mean, why does it happen at all? If I’m honest, I think that what it comes down to is that a woman only has to feel unfulfilled and/or vulnerable to consider having an affair. And the tipping point is rarely a difficult feat:

> Show her friendship when she needs it the most, like what happened to me on Friday.

> Present her with adventure when her life is mundane.

> Tell her she’s beautiful simply because she is, and that you can.

These seemingly small and harmless gestures are all that it takes. But maybe it’s different for you. I dunno. Could be just me that runs from situations such as this. Maybe, as a guy, you would actually befriend an irresistibly attractive married woman without being friends with husband, and not have anything happen between you two. Maybe it’ll even work out. I dunno how it could, but I’m sure someone out there has made it happen.

I’m just saying, it ain’t for me.

image credit: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/

Jak originally wanted us to do a series of articles on cheating couples. Why? Because the post he did about AshleyMadison.com sent the traffic to our blog through the roof! Normally we get like only a few hundred hits a day, but since that article was posted the visitors to our blog tripled daily for a week!

Not bad.

But since my romantic life is still dead to me (ain’t I just a basket of rainbows and butterflies?) I thought I’d share my thoughts on why some relationships suck to begin with. I’ll let Largo do his ridiculously flawed argument of “It’s Human Nature to Cheat!” and let the topic slide this time. Instead, I want to delve deeper into why cheating is not so much a deal breaker, but rather is simply an indicator of an already failing relationship.

—

So, like many girls my age I am susceptible to a form of relationship that undoubtedly ends in heartbreak, ice cream and karaoke sessions of Spice Girls and Westlife. Instead of asserting demands from your significant other, you provide for a person who isn’t interested in you in order to make the relationship ‘work’. But once you stop the emotional equivalent of running a marathon, you realise the ‘relationship’ was never there to begin with.

Him: I don’t want to see you right now.

You: No problem! I can always do something else.

Him: I can’t be bothered to make you feel special and worthy of affection.

You: No problem! I’ll just flirt with a work mate instead.

Him: I don’t really want to go out on dates.

You: No problem! I have a guy friend with a crush on me who loves faux dating me. Wow, this is the perfect relationship!

Him: Uh, yeah.

Can we seriously help ourselves when it does happen? I don’t know.

I have a theory that the relationship at the beginning is the way it always will be. So if it was a casual hook up and it stayed casual, chances are that’s how it’ll be forever. Since we’re girls, we then convince ourselves on the fantasy that our casual hookup will one day profess his love and culminate in a romantic fairy tale of commitment and intimacy.

Or are we just insane?

My girlfriends and I were talking about the opposite of this just the other night – the Crazy Girl approach to relationships. And everyone knows at least one Crazy Girl… She’s the girl who makes her boyfriend chauffeur her friends around to go shopping. She’s the girl who slaps her boyfriend in public just for looking in the general direction of another girl. She’s the girl who holds her boyfriend at the end of a very tight leash.

And you know what the crazy thing is?

As strange and illogical as this may be, guys stay with girls like this. We’ve all seen it.

Because I think they get off on her demands. It helps them feel needed, and seriously when it comes right down to it who among us doesn’t want to feel the same way?

image credit: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/

Thanks to online dating services we now have a fantastic pool of data to provide insight into how relationships take place in modern society.

This now includes the relationships that shouldn’t be taking place.

A website called AshleyMadison.com has had regular media exposure due to its rather blunt facilitation of matching married people looking to cheat on their partner.

Uh huh, that’s right.

It’s a dating website for people looking to cheat.

Here’s the list of the most adulterous professions based on the 1.9 million people registered on the site as of December 2009 (As of 7/4/2010 the number of people registered is now 5.6 million):

For Men:

1. Physicians
2. Police Officers
3. Lawyers
4. Real Estate Agents
5. Engineers

For Women:

1. Teachers
2. Stay-at-home Mums
3. Nurses
4. Administrative Assistants
5. Real Estate Agents

This list is pretty accurate, in my opinion.

For men, it is a list of occupations involving power and authority but little access to the usual cheating mechanisms involving women. A physician would lose his license if he hit on a patient, for example. And engineers practically work in an all-male environment.

Certainly there are other occupations where men are notorious for cheating – politicians, bankers, athletes and entertainers are the most obvious – but they have ready access to women without requiring a website. If you’re Jesse James or Jude Law, women practically line themselves up for you!

Ashley Madison.com just makes things more convenient for these other occupations.

As for women it is – with the exception of Real Estate Agents – filled with jobs that require nurturing and care-taking. How curious. Are these occupations unfulfilling or are they indicators of something else…?

Based on previous data we can now confirm what we already know but continue to overlook from this:

> Careers with the goal of power and authority won’t make you happy because they are unfulfilling. A much more fulfilling goal is regular sex with a single partner. You see, contrary to popular belief power doesn’t supply you with lots of sex – they just give you more options. But like a menu that reads like a book, more options doesn’t necessarily mean better choices. Even if those choices involve lots of sex. Sad but true

> Nurturing people is unfulfilling. Nurses and teachers have got it harder than most people realise. And most mums would prefer working part time rather than being at home with their kids all day. Also sad but true

> A career is most fulfilling when it is meaningful and engaging. Nurturing is meaningful but not always engaging. The struggle for power is always engaging but rarely is it meaningful

In the end, if you’re unhappy about your career chances are that it may reflect in your decisions regarding relationships as well. If you’re lying to yourself about your career, you may be lying to yourself about your marriage as well.

And probably end up on this website, too.

A reliable source of clubbing information is invaluable and most of the Asian promotion groups understand the benefits of that.

But to integrate it with a blog…?

At the moment the only people I know with blogs in clubland are a few isolated socialites — and that’s only because they’re always in the mix ala. Xia Xue.

As for everyone else, the clubbing group that gets into this first will have a distinct competitive advantage.

What are the benefits to the nightclub industry?

Blogging used to be the domain of teenie bopper girls and techies. Now real people — influential people — are also getting in on it. It’s fundamental to see why.

1. Credit — Everyone knows stuff others don’t and customers will find you online and want what you have to offer. Attracting is easier (and cheaper) than pursuing.

2. Word of Mouth — The best marketing technique available. Now, imagine how fast an honest and informative blog post would spread… You can harness this to expand your brand to an ever growing client base.

3. Speed — The simplicity of posting means you can react to negative PR and provide your customers feedback almost instantly. You can post an idea for a new night and your customers will be right there with you when you do.

4. They beat forums hands down — They’re easier to use, read and comment on. They have more compelling content. They’re open to everyone but they don’t require the same level of moderation. People can’t subscribe to forum updates as easily.

5. Search Engines — A blog filled with relevant, honest and informative information will get links. Links lead to more people finding you. For example, we hardly ever mention Lavish in the posts at all, yet type into Google related search terms like “lavish saturdays watermark” and we list second, right below the Facebook Page…

6. Cost to Value — They’re easy to maintain even for the computer illiterates such as myself. They give control to the people who need it most rather than those who are the most technical (In any given company it’s rarely the same people).

7. Identity — Blogging shows you’re a real person, not some soulless company. Your customers can see their feedback, thoughts and opinions make a difference and shape their experiences. It may not change your company, but it does make it more human.

These features are practically standard in the marketing, media, consulting and PR industries. It’s only a matter of time before the nightclub industry picks up as well.

You can lead the pack or you can follow after everyone else. Which would you rather do?